Morgana's Guide to Being Evil
by Timetrixter22
Summary: Are you an aspiring Villain(ess) , if you already are a Villain(ess) are you bad at your job. No problem, because you, for an undisclosed until you buy it price, can learn how to be a great one with this, Morgana's Guide to Being Evil. In just ? easy steps you too can become a great Villain(ess), just like me, Morgana, though not as pretty, buy now (or else). Now with commentary.
1. Location

Morgana's Guide to Being Evil

Disclaimer: Sadly, I don't own Merlin... yet (evil laugh) but you never know.

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There are a number of rules one must follow to be a good villain(ess). And many villains fail before learning the first five. However, I, the great Morgana Le Fay, have decided to create a guide to aid aspiring villain(ess)'s. So without further adieu, I present to you (yay for rhymes), Morgana's Guide to Being Evil.

Chapter One: Location, Location, Location

Many first time villains don't know this, but location is important, it doesn't matter if your talking to yourself about how you will seek revenge on _(insert name here), _you need to be in the proper location, someplace with _atmosphere, _allow me to give you an example.

**Bad Location**: In the darkness of night, a silent figure swept through the city of Camelot, wreathed in onyx shadows. With a long gate and silent steps, the figure moved through the city like quick silver, seen by none, but felt by all( oooh, maybe he's emo). Coming upon a stone gray building, the person muttered a few nonsensical words while waving their hand (so hes a sorcerer, what a shocker). With a small shimmer the door gained a slight transparency and the figure stepped through, the door fading back into reality behind it.

With a flick of it's wrist the cloaked person summoned a luminous ball of light, as it strode through the narrow corridors. Coming upon another door the figure doused its light before opening the door. "Enter, Emrys, came a voice,(fan note: It was Merlin, I KNEW IT) so that I may rend the flesh from your bones (well that just sounds, _lovely_) , and devourer your soul and ( insert mandatory villain(ess) death threats while the reader goes to get something to drink) Stepping lightly into the dark room, the figure was shocked when the lights burst into life, the flames casting the shadows away with it's brilliance.

Standing in front of the figure was another cloaked person wielding a staff in one hand and a fiery dagger in the other. This would have been intimidating if the surroundings were the least bit threatening. The walls were splattered with bits of different cake frosting's, and the floor was covered in sprinkles. The wall behind the figure was decorated with a giant smiling sun (soooooo, scary). The ceiling once a dull slate color, was covered with what had to be the most hideous shade of pink paint in existence, (at the time, I'm sure there will be a popular girl stereotype in the next 2000 years or so that will have a shade that will be much worse.)

With a flick of their wrist the (original) cloaked figure, threw the other into the wall, as the (totally unimportant) figure closed (his/her) eyes, they took a final breath, opened their mouth... and died before getting to say anything.

**Good Location**: On top of the bleak gray mountain, under the shadows cast by barren trees (don't ask me how they got there) stood the _( insert generic villain(ess), or cliche name here). _Finally, after so long, revenge was (his/her's). Before (him/her) lay the city of Camelot in ruins. The once white walls were now stained with dirt and grime. The previously bustling streets were covered in rubble and small fires. _-crack-, _with a swirl of their bustling cloak, the _(sor... well you get the point) _whirled around, tall staff in hand as lightning crackled in their fingers.

Standing before ( h.., you know what, from now on all villain(ess)'s will just be _It, OK?) _was a strange sight. A wizened old man( hmmm, now who could that be) stood before it. Clutching his own staff the old man shot a bolt of energy out of it's tip. It brought it's own staff up, creating a barrier that the bolt smashed into. It was thrown backwards, crashing into one of the (magically summoned trees). Looking up, It meet the eyes of the old man. "why", the old man asked. " Revenge", answered It. "No, I mean why summon these trees, what was the point". It widened it's eyes, "I did it", "yes", the old man asked. "I... did it for...", "Spit it out already, I'm not getting any younger". "For the ambiance", and with that the figure slumped, never to awaken again.

See, now when your eventually foiled don't you want to have something noble or funny to say when you die. What's that, your not gonna die, please get real, your a villain(ess), we always lose, besides the shows called _Merlin, _not _Villain(ess). _Wait a minute, what did I just say? Oh well, next its off to chapter 2.

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And that's a wrap on this chapter, tell me what you think of my fic please.

R&R


	2. Speeches

Morgana's Guide to Being Evil

Disclaimer: Sadly, I don't own Merlin... yet (evil laugh) but you never know.

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**Note: It=he/she**

Chapter 2: Speaking is important in a maniacal dictator

Hello dear readers, and welcome to chapter 2 of Morgana's Guide to Being Evil. In the last chapter, you were taught how to pick a location, but that's not all you need to be a great Villain(ess). You also need to know how to go off on a monologue ( how uncliche). Not many know this but without a dramatic speech , you can lose up to half the episode (especially in anime, not that I don't like it, but still). But just having long winded speech isn't enough, you need to make it either A. Incredibly intimidating, or B. a long rant about how you will finally have your revenge, although there are a few others. Now I'm going to give you an example of a good rant and a bad one.

**Bad Speech: **Arthur dashed behind the door slamming it shut after Merlin slipped through. "What, he panted, was that", "I don't know", Merlin replied. Looking around the room, the prince and his servant found themselves in a large hall, with ornate, but faded tapestry's hanging from the walls. As Arthur went to look for some kind of weapon, Merlin observed the long tapestry that covered the length of the wall. Holding up his torch, he observed the story told by it. A long battle, one that continued for times untold , with sword and sorcery alike used by both sides. Continuing down the wall, Merlin found an image depicting the creature that he and Arthur were currently running from.

Just before he could decipher what was used to defeat the beast however the tapestry turned into a worn blur. Before Merlin could comment on this however, he found himself thrown against the wall, with Arthur following after. Stepping from the shadows It smile eyes dancing with humor. "Whoops, it said, looks like you... um, ahhhh", It suddenly stopped, and gained a pondering look. "Wow", Arthur said, "It's really bad at this", Merlin continued. "Shut up, it cried, or I'll... I'll... ummmmmm, I'll do something, that's what I'll do (how scary). Before It could continue it's (pathetic) threats, a glass statue fell from the ceiling, killing the It, and sending a broken horn flying at the door. At the same time the creature broke into the room, only to get stabbed in it's heart, and die( how lucky can they get... I mean really) Shrugging in acceptance, the duo , now freed of the spell, made they're way out, leaving yet another creature and/or It, killed by a ridiculous amount of luck that should have probably run out by now.

**Good Speech: **It stood in a large castle, with torches flickering, casting low shadows across the dusty gray floor. Standing across from It was none other than the crown prince of Camelot. "Hello my prince", It said, voice rich with sarcasm. The prince, being a complete and utter clotpole, didn't catch it. "See Merlin, the prince said, I told you, the villagers respect me ( delusional) , the knights respect me (meh), even the villains respect me ( uncontrollable snort), so why don't you". "Because your a prat", the serving boy said blunt. Scowling the Prince strode forward, only for It to bring its hand up, sending Arthur and Merlin into the wall.

"I haven't given my speech yet", It whined (what a crybaby). The prince and servant groaned "can you hurry it up then" said Merlin, "we've got three more of these to do, and I'm getting hungry" (what a surprise), said Arthur. IT scowled before speaking " You see my prince, I have come here for one reason and one reason only, revenge (how original). Your father destroyed my village, and killed my family, and now after so many years, they will have justice. I will rend this entire Kingdom to rumble, I will rain fire and brimstone upon you, and plague after plague shall sweep through Camelot, and I will not rest until every last stone has been atomized "(how does he even know about that). Maniacal laughter escaped its mouth, which was the last sound it got out before it was crushed under a chandelier, which just so happened to fall from the ceiling at that precise moment (what a kawinkydink). Falling to the floor, the servant, and prince quickly made their way to the door. Stopping for a second , Merlin turned to Arthur and held out his hand, eyebrows raised expectantly. Arthur scowled before digging into his pocket, and handing Merlin a few coins, "Five revenge speeches in a row, I mean really, cant they think of something original for once (hmmmmmm, nah)

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And that's a wrap on this chapter, please tell me what you think of my fic please. And remember, reviews are like gas, everyone needs it, no one wants to pay for it, but it makes things go faster.

R&R


	3. Plans

Morgana's Guide to Being Evil

Disclaimer: Sadly, I don't own Merlin... yet (evil laugh) but you never know.

P.S. Thank you for your reviews, it really means a lot.

xxxxx

**Note: It=he/she**

Chapter 3: The overly complicated plan

Welcome to Chapter 3 of Morgana's Guide to Being Evil. As I'm sure you are all aware, Evil people, who do Evil things...Evilly, have a habit of making... (wait for it), _Evil _plans. But it's not enough to make an Evil plan. You have to make an **Evil **plan. You need create an overly complex, annoyingly detailed, multiply layered trap, so deviously complex that the hero has no chance of being prepared for it (unless they read this book). And now it's time for the highly anticipated example

**Bad plan:** It grinned wickedly as It's fiendishly, evil plan came together. First the Prince had walked foolishly through the innocent looking doorway, which triggered the mat he was standing on to spring up around him. Then... well, that's pretty much it. When the bumbling servant walked in he was thrown into the wall ( that happens a lot, I hope he wears padding). Cackling the evil IT, didn't notice that the prince had escaped the mat trap and had just decapitated (wow , Arthur can do something after all. And with that the Prince and his servant (man that's a repetitive line) walked out of... wherever they were.(Yeah I know that one was kind of short, to bad).

**Good plan: **It gazed down at the pair below it. One was the prince, and the other was his servant. It had all gone so perfectly. First It had cast a spell on the princes secret love, sending her into a coma, only curable by a ridiculously rare flower. Once the prince and his servant spirited away (yay for anime) from the castle, against the kings orders (he really should have learned by now), the second phase of It's plan came together. By calling upon ancient magic, it had cast a spell on path the two took, sending them in the wrong direction. Then It guided the two through multiple traps, which weakened the physical and mental abilities of the duo. After that it was a simple matter of using plant magic the force the hem into a maze where they were assaulted by magical and non magical creatures. When they finally found the center, the two were pathetically weak and easily captured.

But just as It was about to cackle (more on that later), the unthinkable happened. It's enchanted hut, (which It had grown the maze around) started to shake and shudder. With a large -BOOM- a potion vial crashed to the floor, destroying a large portion of the huts west wall. This also knocked off three more potion vials, a red one which restored strength to them, and a blue one which restored mental facility's (among other more, _unique _qualities), and a green one which destroyed their bindings. The prince dashed forward, determined to defeat the It, when he came upon a strange sight. It had been hit by a third, yellow potion, which turned it into... a chicken. Another surprise was that, as the two gathered around the chicken, a preserved flower fell down to the floor, which was exactly the one they needed.

The two grinned, and set out for home, magical plant in hand. They stopped just before leaving the hut, "Arthur", "yeah", "I'm hungry", "same here" the duo slowly turned, and grinned at the sight of the chicken. The Itchicken squawked before running as fast as it could away, the servant and the prince, flashed each other knowing looks, and dashed after it.

Ahhh, see, overly complicated plans really add to the story length, don't you think. Oh well, on to the next chapter. Come to think of it, chicken does sound pretty good, nameless servant number three come here for a second, I want you to test something.

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There goes chapter 3, so until next time TT22 is out

R&R


	4. Back Story's

Morgana's Guide to Being Evil

Disclaimer: Sadly, I don't own Merlin... yet (evil laugh) but you never know.

P.S. Thank you for your reviews, it really means a lot.

xxxxx

**Note: It=he/she**

Chapter 4: The hideously overused back-story's about It's motivation

Welcome, dear readers, to another exciting and informative chapter to Morgana's Guide to Being Evil. In this chapter you will learn about one of the most important things an evil doer needs to have... A Back Story. Say it with me, _Baaaaaack Storyyyyyy_, with capital letters, and a long kind of cool yet creepy echo. You see a good Back Story can make or break a Villain(ess). It gives them their dramatic drive, enables them to strike a cord in the populace (so long as your not throwing fireballs at them), and most of all, it affects your fan rating. You don't want to be known as the Villain(ess) that every one hates, instead of the Villain(ess) that everybody **loves** to hate while secretly feeling bad for you, and rooting for you (usually for you to change your ways and defect because you fell for a main character). And now I think its time I show you what can happen if yo have a poor Back Story or a great one.

**Poor Back Story: **It was with great relish that it blasted the prince of Camelot off his horse, and into a (highly convenient) crumbling stone wall (probably from some long forgotten castle, made just for the pinning of heroes). With another flick, it sent his servant crashing into the wall as well. While the two were pinned against the wall, It decided to make a dangerous move, It would reveal It's back story( conveniently letting said heroes think of a plan of escape). "You may be asking yourself why I'm here, why I decided to attack you, and I will tell you, as I'm going to kill you either way". Arthur and Merlin looked nonplussed, having heard and faced far worse. "You see, Prince Arthur, your father committed a grievous crime against me".

"What is it this time", Arthur groaned. "He... Killed... My... ICECREAM! At this Merlin and Arthur looked incredulous, "that's why your doing this", Merlin exclaimed, "Because my father killed your Ice cream", Arthur finished . "Well, he also slaughtered the rest of my family, destroyed all my possessions, and left me under a pile of rubble, but that's not important" ( of course not, it would be silly to get upset over that) . "And as my vengeance, I will kill you, destroy Camelot, and rain darkness over the land (Perfectly reasonable). "Now, its time to end this", It said raising It's hand. Before It could do anything though, a large stone (from the inexplicable wall) came crashing down on It's head, killing It. "Well that was fun", Merlin said, Arthur merely chuckled in response.

**Great _Baaaaaack Storyyyyyy: _**It grinned victoriously, as the rain poured down around It. Before I, the entire party of knights lay sprawled out, defeated. With a flash of It's eyes, it sent the prince hurtling into a tree (what, no wall) upside down. "Hello, prince Arthur, I'm so glad to finally meet you". The prince grunted in response, before spiting at It. "I'm sure your wondering why I'm doing this, and I guess I'll tell you". "my motive is simple, but timeless, Revenge" (I totally, didn't see that coming). "You see, years ago, back when your father had the guts to leave his precious castle, he lead a raiding part on my village, as it was suspected to be harboring druids". "So, your father, in all his wisdom, saw fight to kill every last person in it, regardless if only one family was hiding them. He killed my mother in front of me, and he had the audacity to tell her that she should be ashamed". He was vicious, and cruel, no one died quickly or painlessly (Wow, that is one mean king). "After that, he went after my sister, then me". "When he finally left, I had a broken arm, cracked ribs, my leg was fractured, my head was bleeding, and I was suffering from blunt force trauma".

On that day, I swore I would have my revenge, and finally, after all these years, I will have it". "I will take from him what he took from me (ooooh, dramatic), I will leave him with nothing, not kingdom, not family, not even a hovel to call his own. Unfortunately while It was on It's tirade, someone (_coughMerlincough_) threw a rock at It's head, knocking it off balance and it fell on an (innocently placed) spear. As the knights gathered themselves, Arthur merely looked down on It with confusion. "Did anyone hear what It was saying, all the blood was rushing to my head, and I couldn't hear a thing", all the knights shook their heads no, and with that, the group departed for Camelot.

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And so ends another chapter of MGtBE. Remember, the more reviews the more chapters, and no that is in no way shape or form a bribe, although (-sneakily shows virtual cookie- I can make it worth your while)

R&R


	5. Cackling and You

Morgana's Guide to Being Evil

Disclaimer: Sadly, I don't own Merlin... yet (evil laugh) but you never know.

P.S. Thank you for your reviews, it really means a lot.

xxxxx

**Note: It=he/she**

Chapter 5: The absolutely, positively, totally necessary evil cackle

Dear Villain(ess), it is with great pleasure that I now present to you (Drum roll) Evil Cackling. Yes, its the most important thing an Evil doer can have. Without an Evil cackle, your just a side show villain(ess), not even worthy of an onscreen demise. And of course, this is probably the hardest technique to master. Now pay close attention, I'm about to show you two examples of a villainous laugh, make sure you don't screw up.

**Bad Cackle: **Arthur, and Merlin stood facing It, swords in hand, as they waited for it to make a move. Suddenly, with a swish of it's hand, it send the two flying towards... the ceiling (at least it's not the wall). As the two heroes lay pinned against the wall, It started to gloat. "At last, I have the prince of Camelot right were I want him". At this, It took a deep breath, eyes glowing maniacally, and then It let It all out. "". Arthur and Merlin glanced at each other, faces aghast, then they started to smile. And smile. And smile some more. And their smiles kept growing. And growing. And growing. Until the two burst out laughing. Actually laughing doesn't do it justice. It was loud, whooping, guffaws.

With tears streaming down their red faces, the two shook from the force of it all. At this point It was looking a little indignant, "stop laughing at me", It shouted. Their laughs grew so loud that It couldn't keep them pinned. The two fell hard and fast, smashing into, and crushing It beneath them. The two looked down on It's crushed form, before continuing their laughter. Leaning against each other, they stumbled out of the building, leaving the (nameless) It, behind, never to be seen again.

**Good Cackle: **Merlin stared down at It, pondering what he should do. Arthur had decided to come here by himself, but Merlin, being, well... Merlin, didn't listen. Following Arthur into the building, he had taken a different route that lead to an alcove, from which he could observe from the shadows. Arthur was, once again, pinned against the wall ( it's a good thing he started to wear padding).Meanwhile, It had just finished It's Back Story (ooooh, wowwww, that almost _never _happens). Then, he saw it take a deep breath, and it began laughing. An evil, villainous laugh, Merlin actually heard thunder, and a wolfs howl.

"( wow, It's got some lungs)hahahahahahahahaha". Unfortunately for It, It did in fact, have a limit to how much oxygen It could inhale. With a wheezing gasp, It collapsed from lack of air, face rapidly turning blue. And with that anticlimactic ending, Arthur raised himself from the floor, dusted his clothes off, and walked out of the room, unknowingly, followed by his friend (not that he would admit it)

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See now that first one was just pitiful, you don't want that to happen to you to do you? I didn't think so (what are you talking about, no one responded, crazy sorceress). One moment, I'm off to take care of something. -door shuts- (where did she go... wait, is that you, Morgana... no stay back... stay back... NOOOOOOO. [Were sorry, your commentator has been momentarily removed from this plane of existence, check the next chapter for an update on his condition] (I'll get you for this Morgana, Sooooooooommmmmmmmmmmeeeeee Daaaaaaaaayyyyyyy.

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And there is the mandatory Evil Cackle chapter, remember, If you care about your (astoundingly handsome, amazing, kind, caring, charming, funny, _humble, _and _modest, _narrator, you'll review this chapter, and my previous one. Until next time, TT22 is out (again) peace

R&R


	6. Hiatus

Authors Note

-Break-

Though I hate to do it, I am placing this Fic on temporary hiatus. I will try to get back to it, if only for my loyal reviewers Lady Dunla, seriel blogger, TheImpossiblePen, and Meri Ley. I will try to get back to this as soon as possible, but my brain has been seized by my Plot Bunny, and it's very, very, stubborn. With deepest regrets, TimeTrixter22


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